The Hospital for Sick Children:

The last instance of abuse happened so quickly that I wasn’t even sure it was abuse. For years I just counted myself lucky that nothing further happened.

A janitor was pushing a mop and bucket along the hallway while I was wheeling myself back to my room after taking a trip around the floor. A man had gone missing and was hooked to some kind of monitor for his heart. The monitor was showing that his heart had stopped. Nurses moved all over the floor looking for this man. He apparently was missing or something. The hallways were in chaos. The janitor asked me what was going on and when I explained he asked if I could hold the door to his room open while he got something off the top shelf. I placed my wheelchair to secure the door open while he went into the small room. I was looking down the hallway at the people moving from place to place looking for the missing man. Suddenly, my chair was pulled into the small room and the door closed on it’s own. The janitor had unbuckled his belt and said that if I didn’t touch his penis he would hit me with his belt. He unzipped his green work pants and pulled his penis out. I began to cry and begged him to not do this. He told me again to touch it and took a handful of my hair. I tried to pull away from him but he held my hair tightly and then began rubbing his penis across my face. I began yelling and he abruptly pulled away and did up his pants. He told me that if I said anything he would get me. I had heard this before and decided that I would just be safe and say nothing. At the time it seemed that nothing really bad had happened. It was much better than what happened last time. He opened the door and rolled me back into the hall. He then closed the door while he remained in the room. I just wheeled myself back to the games area where I knew there would be a lot of people. I don’t remember where my mom was. But she eventually met me in the games room. I saw the janitor again standing in the games room looking around at everyone. He saw me and just looked away. Then he left.

The next time I was at the hospital, I was again in a room with five other boys. Star Wars was huge and we all had some toy or other. There was a boy from somewhere up north who was shot in the eye with a pellet gun. There was a chance he could be blind in both eyes. Across from me was a boy dying of cancer. He was bald and very small. Next to me was another boy who had casts on both legs and an arm.

During my second night there, a male nurse came into the room and walked directly to my bed. He asked if I was awake. I tried to pretend that I was asleep. He walked back to the door to the room and closed it. He then drew the curtain around my bed. He sat on my bed and rubbed my legs and buttocks. I turned over and sat up trying to be tough. I tried hitting him but all I managed was a slap on his arm. This man was very big. He said that he noticed me looking at him in the hallway earlier that day. He said that he knew I liked him. I wasn't sure what I had done but immediately hated myself for doing whatever it was. He stood and moved toward the head of the bed. I remember thinking that I could kick him in the head with my new casts. Before I had a chance to react, he leaning in and licked my cheek. He told me that he knew I liked it and that if I made any noise he would break my neck. He explained that he could kill me at any time he wanted and no one would know that he did it. He also explained that he had been following my mother to her hotel room. He would kill her too if I made any noise. I don’t know why, but at that point, I just closed myself up and laid flat on the bed. The man pulled my pyjama shirt over my head and pulled my pants and underwear down. I was laying naked on the bed, tears filling my eyes. He then began to lick and suck my penis. He pinched my nipples with is rough fingers and then moved me so that I was bent over the edge of the bed facing the closed doorway. I could hear squishing sound and then I felt him slide his wet fingers along my anus. I expected him to insert his fingers like the other person had done. I remember the feeling and started to cry again. I tried to brace myself for the pain. I cried out loud as he shoved something much bigger into my anus. I felt like I was being ripped open. He grabbed a handful of my hair and pulled my head back hard. He mumbled something to himself. I desperately wanted to die at that moment. I remember telling myself that this wasn’t happening and that if I just turned it off it would all be over soon.

This went on for awhile when suddenly the door opened. A nurse was about to walk in with a clipboard. She stopped when she saw what was happening and then just shook her head and left the room, closing the door. He told me that she was scared of him and that she would be watching during the day to see if I told anyone. His movements went on for a long while until he abruptly pulled out of me and pulled me to the floor. I remember the pain of falling to the hard floor and the sound of my casts hitting the tiles. He turned me around and held the top of my head with one hand while he furiously stroked his penis with the other. I thought he was just forcing me to watch him and hoped that nothing would happen like the last time. His grip on my hair was hurting and I didn’t want him to hurt me anymore. Suddenly fluid erupted from his penis and flew across my face. It was all at once warm and cold. It had a faint smell that I still cannot place to this day. He then forced his penis into my mouth and told me to suck it. The taste made me gag and he forced it deeper and deeper into my mouth until I began to gag and heave. He then pulled it out and cleaned himself off with a small towel. He lifted me back into bed and threw the towel at me and said to clean up. He then told me to get dressed. He made sure I was dressed and back under the covers. He drew back the curtain and left the room. None of the other boys seemed to have awakened at the noise of it all and I wondered if maybe it wasn’t as loud as I thought it was. I saw that nurse many times again during this visit. She always just stared at me. I knew she was watching me for him. I was terrified and just wanted to go home.

My next memory of abuse at Sick Kids Hospital was being in a bedroom with five other beds; three to each side. The other boys in the room were older than I was, and one night they began telling me stories about “Bloody Santa Clause” to try and scare me. It must have been sometime close to Christmas because we were watching the Grinch on the television.

A female nurse came into the room to give out night time medication. I didn’t get any. I guess the other boys must have continued to try and scare me, because she told them to stop and came to my bed and asked if I wanted to come with her for some tests. I agreed to go because she would make the boys stop scaring me and she would give me some jell-o before bringing me back. We went to a room where she took out a clipboard and explained that she had to have some questions answered for my doctor. She asked me if I had any girlfriends back at home. I was embarrassed by the question and told her I didn’t. I remember the idea of having a girlfriend was silly and gross. She told me to disrobe down to my underwear so she could weigh me. I remember asking her why I had to it in my underwear. She said that the weight of the clothes would add weight and that this was how grownups did it. I stepped onto the scale and she moved the weights trying to find the number. While she did this, she rubbed her hand across my rear end. Gently at first, but eventually she became rough and was squeezing and pinching my buttocks. She asked that I turn around so she could measure my height. At this point she stated that she had to measure the size of my penis and testicles and that she had to see if I had hair down there.

I was stunned and just stood there. She slid my underwear down my legs and began probing and handling my genitals. To my surprise my penis became erect. This had only happen a few times to me at this point and always when I was just waking up. I stepped off the scale and asked her to stop. I wanted to go back to my room. She explained that these were tests that had to be performed and that they wouldn’t take much longer. She told me to act like an adult and just complete them. She then again took my genitals into her hand and began fondling them. She then began to pull them down. She did it gently at first, but then with more and more force until it began to hurt. I told her that this was uncomfortable and she just got mad at me. She told me that I had to grow up and that this was something adults had to do. She then said that because my penis was hard, it was a sign that I was enjoying it. She told me stop being a baby and to stand next to her while she sat down. Before sitting down she pulled her skirt up over her hips and sat down while spreading her legs. I remember the smell that filled the room. It stank of fish and sweat. She took hold of my penis and pulled me toward her. She then started rubbing her hand between her legs while pulling and stroking my penis. I didn’t understand what was happing and felt very uncomfortable. After a minute or two. She was done. She was sweaty and had a scary look in her eyes. She told me to get dressed while she fixed her clothes. She then took me back to my room and said she would be back with my jell-o. I began to cry and the other boys told me that I was a baby for crying. They explained that they were just making things up and to stop crying. She never did return.

I wonder sometimes if I can't recall which instances of abuse happened when because I've been trying to forget them most of my life. I do remember one thing though... that antiseptic, sterile smell makes my head ache and my stomach twist itself into knots. It makes my teeth ache and makes me want to be anywhere but in the hospital. The dentist has the same smell sometimes and I feel the same way there. My earliest memory of being in a hospital is the smell of antiseptic soap and a man who claimed to be a nurse inserting a thermometer into my anus.

I remember wondering why another nurse (female) would have taken my temperature with the electrical thermometer in the disposable plastic sleeve if this was the way it had to be done for an accurate reading. That's what he told me the reason was for doing it this way. It was when the he inserted his finger into my anus that I realized something was wrong. I remember struggling to try and make him stop. Crying out to him, or anybody would who could hear, for him to stop. But he was much stronger than I was and continued sliding his finger in and out while running his fingers through my hair. He told me to stop moving and to enjoy it. That if I let him do it to me it would start to feel good. I protested and started to yell again. That’s when he covered my mouth and began to slam his finger in and out of me. I remember the floor being blurry due to the tears flooding my eyes. I felt a cold wetness on my behind and a sterile kind of smell… like alcohol. He then spoke to me in my ear and said that if I said anything to anyone he would kill me while I slept and then kill my mother when she returned to visit me. He sat me on the bed. It was much too high for me to climb onto without assistance. He dropped his pants and pulled out his penis. He told me to finish removing my pants, which were around my ankles, and then to hold my penis in my hand. I was reluctant to move, let alone remove my pants. My not moving didn’t seem to deter him at all. He told me I had nice skin while he masturbated in front of me. I remember not understanding what he was doing. I had never seen anyone do that before, but I instinctively felt it was something that should be done in private and alone. While he continued to masturbate, he held his left index finger under his nose and inhaled deeply. Soon a liquid squirted from his penis. He pulled his green scrub pants back up and cleaned the floor with Kleenex from a box on my nightstand. I don’t remember anyone else ever being in the room with us. I don’t remember any other beds being in the room either. I do remember thinking that today had been a good day. I had my casts removed and would be going home soon. I couldn’t wait to get out of there.

When I first started to accept the fact that I needed help in order to banish the demons that have plagued me for so long I decided to call the Hospital for Sick Children and see if anything was available for me as help. Before even acknowledging anything I had to say, they stated that a detailed account of what happened to me would be necessary. Two years ago this was not a possibility. I couldn't even think about the events without breaking down and crying.

Not one day goes by that I don't think about what has happened to me. It imposes itself into just about every thought and chills me to the bone. It's an intrusive thought that seemed to come into my mind unbidden. It's is to the point that I'm forced to relive the events when a gentle hand is placed on my shoulder.

When my wife wants to cuddle.
When a friend gives me a hug.
When a casual peck on the cheek is given as a goodbye.

Intimacy is something I have to prepare for. It doesn't come naturally. It feels foreign and sometimes makes me very angry and aggressive. Having sex with my wife requires a great deal of effort in order to concentrate on something else other than the horrible memories.

People always say that you can just block it out. Forget it ever happened. I don't think I will ever be able to do that.

At the suggestion of my psychologist I have decided to document here what happened to me at the Hospital for Sick Children some 30 years ago. Please be advised that this blog may contain some graphic and disturbing material as I recount the events that have led me to this point.

First, a bit of history.

I am a 34 year old male who was born with a severe case of club feet. Being born in a small town in northern Ontario meant numerous trips to Toronto to get the needed medical treatment and operations. I have had numerous operations to straighten my feet between the ages of a few months all the way into my early teens.

I want to give credit where credit is due here. The doctors that worked on my feet have done an absolutely incredible job. Thanks to them and their efforts, I am able to walk normally and wear normal shoes. There was some scarring and loss of feeling in my feet, but I consider this a small price to pay to have normal feet. While staying in the hospital for these surgeries I also received another form of attention that has caused some long term effects.

During my numerous stays at Sick Kids Hospital, I have been sexually abused no less than four times in such a manner that I have never spoken of them aloud until now. These four instances consist of such shocking and brutal acts that the numerous other instances of inappropriate touching pale in comparison. I have been hiding this secret for my entire life it seems, and it has shredded my soul to ribbons. Keeping this secret has caused insomnia, delusions, full blown hallucinations, and deep depression. Eventually, these symptoms led me to attempt suicide. Luckily I failed in the attempt (I drank down 1 litre of paint thinner and proceeded to vomit for three straight hours).

After having a complete breakdown at work and being faced with the realization that I was having hallucinations that consisted of doing work that were, in fact, only hallucinations and not work at all... I went on long term disability. Finally, with the help of wife, I began the long process of getting the help I needed to get better. It has almost been two years since I have been off work and I am only now strong enough to tell my story. Hardly any of my treatments I undergo are covered through work, so I have decided to pursue a litigation route to cover the costs of my rehabilitation and loss of income. So far, this has not gone well.

Through this journal I will detail my encounters at the Hospital for Sick Children as well as continue to update my present state of mind and on-going treatments.